A Year After

Today is January 9 2012 .

Almost a year has passed since I last published my blog.

Why Wait so Long?
I'll tell you why.
Time flies!... So we say, when amazed at how quickly an anniversary or one of life's cycles repeats before we really had a chance to think about it.
I can say that the year hasn't flown by for me.
I'll tell you why.
Things were not changing very quickly for me.
Honestly,I was having a struggle in many areas of my "new reality". My work ethic was eating away at me as I became more and more sensitized to the never ending needs of our parish . I was trying my best to get back to a full work load as quickly as possible and feeling both guilty and frustrated at not being able to do what I used to do. As a priest and Rector,that means being available 110 percent of the time,with 110 percent energy,and 200 percent desire to "get er done".

The side effects from the treatments and lack of nutrition actually seemed to be getting worse as time went on. I was literally a person who had been starving, willingly subjected to a chemical warfare,and having my head placed in a "microwave".

I really had to learn how to talk all over again. I still struggle with self confidence in relation to my vocal delivery.
Stumbling around with numb feet, trying to play the guitar with fingers that didn't want to move anymore,being dizzy every time I tried to stand. I can't recall how many times I would have to bend over and wait for a dizzy spell to pass before I could start to walk. Eating was (and remains) a challenge. On top of that...returning to offering pastoral care,preaching , conducting worship and trying to inspire and motivate ......yadda yadda yadda.

Then there was the feeding tube.
That blessed thing caused so many emotions for me through this journey.
When I first had it "installed" I was just beginning my treatments. I had arrived at a point where I had stopped eating very much at mealtime because it was too painful to swallow. My weight loss was evident long before I was diagnosed with cancer. When in hospital my meal trays always returned to the cart pretty much as they were given to me....Untouched.
They started to blend my food for me,just like they did for my father in his last days when he could no longer hold a fork and I had to feed him.
Seeing those strips of food on my plate bothered me deeply. No matter-I couldn't stomach the mush anyway,so I didn't eat that either.

The prognostication was my problems were going to be even more compounded as treatment progressed. On top of the painful restriction in my throat, the chemotherapy was going to make me very sick,and the radiation was going to cause burns and other issues ......the weight loss had to stop NOW,or I was going to starve,and simply would not make it. would have been gone long before the cancer had a chance to finish me off.

That almost happened. I went from 195 plus pounds to less than 100 by the time my treatments were done.

Hence the percutaneous endoscopic gastrostomy (PEG) tube .
Hence the simultaneous whammy of being introduced to forced feeding and an infusion of Chemo drugs. (radiation was yet to come!)

I remember waking up with this thing sticking out of my gut..this piece of white tubing with a cap and receptacle on the end designed to receive a funnel or large syringe for the purpose of getting liquid nutrition in.
At first I was too weak to care. In the beginning the staff tended to the tube. I was hooked up to a device that metered the liquid. Water first,then Gevity, (the liquid food) then more water to rinse it out. I could not handle it at all. I was constantly nauseous The tube became a symbol of all that was wrong in my life,and it was getting to me. The fight to stay positive and keep the faith was harder than most people will ever know.

It wasn't until after the treatments were finished and I was determined to win this (#$@!&*^^^$$%@) battle that the feeding tube became a trusted friend and a security for me. I became a whiz at using it.(Making the scattered mess over myself and the furniture I might add. One day I actually burst into tears in a flurry of self pity over an unintentional spill. Some days it was downright hilarious)
Feeding tubes are something that I strongly recommend to any cancer patient who has the slightest chance of having to fight a nutritional war on top of everything else.
Me and my tube were symbiotic for almost eight months before I decided it was time to say goodbye.

I reached the point last year where I became restless about having the tube in. I was eating a little , but able to drink large quantities of liquid supplements like Boost and Ensure.
Having the tube removed was a turning point.
What a day that was. Joanie and Dr. St. Croix had been observing my progress. Many times I had asked if the tube should come out.
For quite a while they discouraged the idea because I wasn't taking in enough food yet and we didn't know if my Cancer battle was any where near done.
I was living with the possibility that I might still have to undergo surgery- that I still might lose parts of my tongue and voice box.......
But Wait..there's More!
I was having a hard time getting anything down orally. Not because of the tumour any more, but because the 50 pairs of muscles and nerves needed to accomplish the simple act of swallowing hadn't been used for so long that we were not really sure how effective they would ever be again. Let's not forget that in addition ,the inflammation and scarring of my esophagus and tongue compliments of the radiation treatments,had basically paralyzed a major portion of my tongue and throat.

Again I say, the fight to stay positive and keep the faith was harder than most people will ever know.
To a large degree my caregivers at the cancer clinic and hospital did know. My sense of gratitude for them has not diminished one iota,and never will. When I visit the hospital now,and see the staff, my heart fills. I wish them blessing after blessing.

In 2011 the right time arrived -the feeding tube came out,and ever so slowly,I continued on my way without it.

Why Wait so Long to write?
My goal for this blog and my writing was to provide an honest, factual and positive narrative. I wanted to continue my ministry in some way from what I knew was going to be a dark,dangerous,and terrifying place. I came to a place where I realized I was so tired of talking,thinking and breathing "Cancer, Cancer, Cancer.." and realized that my wife was right there with me. I decided to just focus on moving on,and getting better. I would wait to update this blog when I was able to come to it from the viewpoint of looking back,instead of always looking forward and wondering what was next. I know that that is a place called utopia . It is a place that Cancer patients can never visit for very long.

2011 was, as you can tell a great struggle.
I was "weaned away" from being a regular Cancer Clinic patient. Dr. St. Croix retired from the Cancer Clinic, but they still keep an eye on me .

It is quite a challenge to move away from people that you have come to trust and need so much. You slowly unwrap what has come to be a security blanket. You feel somehow that you are deserting them..and they are deserting you.
I tell the Nurses upstairs at James Paton (Sometimes fighting back a few tears) "I miss you guys so much...But I don't want to come back."

It is as Joanie Wicks said to me one day at the Cancer Clinic in Gander: "Hold me close as you let me go."

Some More about the Challenges we faced in 2011
A Cancer diagnosis does not just affect your physical well being.
We are made up of a threefold existence: Physical Mental and Spiritual.
Everyone of us will face challenges in life that will bring stress to bear on each of these areas.

These challenges will affect relationships with other people such as friends, spouses , children and other family members.

Then there is the relationship that you have with God. That one can be challenged BIG TIME. So is the relationship that you have with your SELF.

There is anxiety after being done with chemo and radiation waiting for what is next. You do worry about dying from cancer. You do wonder how much time you have left.

You are surrounded by "healthy people" who don't have to deal with these types of fears.

You meet other cancer patients who have had a journey far less arduous than yours,and their optimism is something difficult to understand. You meet other people who have had journeys far more difficult than yours,and you get a sense that you are not alone after all.

I thank God...for my Wife, My Children,Grand Children..and my Church.

Bi monthly trips to St. John's became the norm in 2011. We grew comfortable with the knowledge that my cancer seemed to be non-active,and that everything looked good.

That feeling was challenged this fall.
My last MRI was in August of 2011. The report came back All was well !

"BUT" Says the Doctor....
In November I was informed by mail that my MRI,among others, was being re-read because of possible mistakes. I was told that I would be informed if there was any problem to worry about.
The review led to a different interpretation of the scan. When my family doctor read the results he forwarded them to St. John's . Just before Christmas I was summoned to the Cancer Clinic in St. John's to discuss the "newly found concerns" with an oncologist.
After some freezing, prodding and poking the doctor announced that he was pretty comfortable that I was okay...BUT there was a concern about a "bright spot" that has consistently shown on all of my MRI scans. Some interpretations said the bright spot was just scar tissue. others said this brightness could indicate the presence of Cancer.

What are we going to do?

On June 4 2010 I was at St. Clare's hospital for a biopsy. when I woke up I was told simply:"You do have a tumour and we have some things we have to do. you will need an MRI, and some treatments. I might be getting ahead of my self here, but I'm pretty sure of what I have found." Pause. " We will get the pathology results,and I'll see you in the Cancer Clinic. "

Today is January 9 2012.
I am writing this in Torbay at my daughters house. Karen and Chanda are gone shopping. Jason is at work and the kids are still in school. I love them all so much.
I am lying on the warm soft,comfortable green flannelet sheets I know so well back in the bedroom where I spent so many hours waiting and fighting 1n 2010 and 2011.

Tomorrow I must go back to St. Clare's for pre-admission checks because on January 11 I am scheduled for another biopsy. Guess writing while looking in the rear view is not going to happen just yet.

A New Year Update

Just before Christmas 2010 I wrote about the latest "after treatment results". Since then I have made a number of overnight trips to St. John's for appointments at the Cancer clinic.

My first post treatment MRI was disappointing. It showed that there was very little shrinkage in the tumour. (Yes it is still called a tumour or "a mass"). The doctor's exam gave us hope that the cancer was gone - "However, a biopsy and surgery might still be a reality we would have to face".
"We need to keep a close eye on things."
That's what we have been doing since Christmas.

Christmas was Bittersweet. On the week before Christmas , (my Birthday) we held an open house. Karen cooked mountains of food,and some friends even sent along some treats. I wasn't able to do much more than sit and greet people. Folks understood though, and it was a wonderful day. We received a great number of people and much love through the day. Later that evening we were off to a friends for supper. I was exhausted so when we got there, I crashed on the couch, and enjoyed all the noise. It's amazing how comfortable a friend's couch can be!


Some of the members of our youth band gave me a cake and sang Happy Birthday.

I was also able to preach at St. Martin's at one of the Christmas Eve services.

Our grand kids from Torbay were with us in Gander which meant that on Christmas morning we would once again experience the joy of young children opening their gifts at 6:00 in the morning! After a nap,we enjoyed a quiet day with the kids. I invested a couple of hours with Joshua and his newest Lego set.
Throughout Christmas I wasn't feeling well. Every activity became a challenge,weakness and dizziness being constant companions.
I sat at the kitchen table doing some food preparation and helped present Christmas dinner to our family in the dining room. Although I was unable to eat much I did join the family at the table for Christmas dinner,and the following day carved the turkey and joined a large extended family group for another feast. I did not eat,but shared the fellowship with a sense of gratitude and satisfaction. Karen worked very hard to ensure Christmas at the Rectory would be a blessing. It really was.

Food and the Joy of Eating

Joining people for a meal is a special event at any time. By nature people are social and want to share time and provision with each other. Many solid friendships and life blessings result from fellowships around the table.

That's something I have never taken for granted. I have always enjoyed cooking. I enjoy helping Karen in the kitchen,and sharing a good meal with friends and family.
Before beginning any meal I always say Grace. It is important to me to thank our Lord for what I have been blessed with,and for His provision. I have always felt the need to return thanks and to ask that what we eat would be blessed,so that our strength would not just come from earthly food,but from God's own hand.

No one should eat a meal without Grace.
No one should ever take a meal,prepared and served by one to the other for granted. Amen?

As of today, I still have a feeding tube. Good thing too. After treatment I continued to lose weight. I had been going through each day trying to eat something. I actually made myself believe that I was doing good. That wasn't the case. Karen patiently let me do as I wished,eating small portions and cutting down on the liquid meal substitute that I pour into the feeding tube.
I even mentioned tom Dr. St. Croix that I thought it was time to remove the tube. She exchanged glances with Karen,looked at me with a reminder that I might still have to have a biopsy,and might need the tube again.
A few days later,I told my friend Joanie that I was down to 130 pounds. Joanie Wicks is the Patient Care Coordinator at the Gander Cancer Center. She has been with us through all of this journey and knew every detail of my progress and regressions.

She sat me down and told me I simply wasn't getting enough calories to maintain my weight and strength. If I continued in the way I was going,I was headed back to the hospital.

Okay...Okay I get it!
I returned to regular feedings of the "Jevity " liquid in the feeding tube. Six cans a day, and continued to eat what I could. That's what I am doing now.
It seems to be working.
My energy has increased,I am getting up earlier,feeling better and although I still look like a toothpick with the wood shaved off,I have gained four pounds!

Ahhh. Food...
Food still smells wonderful, but eating is a battle for me. Today every bite either burns, tastes bad ,or refuses to go down without a fight. The texture of food that I used to love simply turns my stomach. I drink a good sip of water with every bite,cough a little ,catch my breath and go for another bit.
My saliva glands are "kaput". Believe me ,you don't realize how important saliva is until it's gone. Saliva helps protect our teeth mouth and throat. It helps start digestion, and makes it possible to swallow. Saliva also causes the nessacary reaction between food and your taste buds,so you can enjoy your food. So thank God for spit.
Without belabouring the point,let me simply say: "Its awful".



I am not going to give up! I still watch my favorite cooking shows and go through our recipe books planning meals,and thanking God for the blessings of good meals,family and friends.
I must admit though that some of the stuff we cook is so good, it drives me crazy remembering the way it used to taste!

Some other Changes

I used to grow a beard every winter. There is no hard and fast reason I do this other than the fact that I could - and some of the folks in the Church love to comment about it.
Some of the men offer me money for razors, and some of the ladies cringe when I come towards them with a greasy grin to rub their cheeks with my whiskers. It's all for a bit of fun.

One Sunday a parishioner told Karen that she wished I would hurry up and shave.


Karen responded by saying: "I like it. It's less of his face I have to look at!"

I don't spend much money on razors these days. Thanks to the radiation, what used to be a moustache and beard is just a reminder of my adolescent days when a little bit of growth over the lip and a few chin whiskers made their appearance.

Overall,I am feeling better and can finally say some of the uncertainty about having Cancer has evaporated. Having made several trips to St. John's, and to our Gander Clinic,I have only received positive speculation.
My recent MRI was in Gander on February 11. The results showed that the mass, in and under my tongue is shrinking slowly. To quote Dr. Burrage: "Good things get smaller - bad things get bigger"

There is a whole bunch of stuff that I have to deal with still,and while I have days of self pity (just hours really --and I think I have earned it!), I am in a very positive place.

I am still dizzy,tired and weak. Although its nothing compared to the past,there is always a level of pain in my throat an jaw.Thanks to the type of Chemotherapy I had, my feet feel numb and tingly all the time. My hands too - but to a lesser degree. I picked up my guitar a couple of nights ago and played a bit. It was really awkward,but felt great. People tell me my voice is good,but I am very aware that my diction is not what it used to be. I haven't tried to sing yet. We are still waiting - (and always will), for confirmation that Cancer has left me.

Thanks to Chemotherapy and Radiation I have been through.......something.
Thanks to Chemotherapy and Radiation ,and the wonderful people I have met along the way...I will live.
Thank You Chemotherapy and Radiation ,and the wonderful people I have met along the way. Thank You so much.


Starting next week there will be a series of check ups for at least another year. We believe God,and hope for good things.
Faith is the substance (that which you can hold and feel) of things hoped for,based upon the evidence of what you cannot see. We have much faith.

Today is February 26. It is raining heavily in Gander,and I am having a quiet morning.

Karen is having a well deserved "Rain Nap". We both love to relax and listen to the rain. She has been my absolute rock and uncompromising caregiver,infusing me with strength and faith.
Sometimes I look over at St. Martin's Cathedral - the building is just behind the rectory,and think of all that takes place there.
The church Building is in my backyard, but all around I am surrounded by The Church...the people of God,who have been a comfort,blessing and hope on my journey through the Valley of Shadows. I fear no evil and through the Grace of God I have been,and will joyfully continue on as servant and friend to God's people.

More News.

21/12/2010 was a long day!
We went into town yesterday to prepare for my appointment. The appointment was at 8:00 a.m. The first one of the day. I Spent last night with Chanda,Jason and the Grand kids,watching trucker shows, telling bad jokes and playing Nintendo. I even managed to eat a bit of junk food.

Neither of us slept very well but I can assure you that we were resting in Psalm 29:11:
The LORD gives strength to his people; the LORD blesses his people with peace.
Up at seven,down to the Health science by 7:50 am,and sitting with three doctors and a nurse practitioner by 8:20. Every thing running as smooth as silk.

Once again,I sat in the Green Chair ( The chair of honour), and again I was given the freezing spray, that tastes like something from another planet, and poked and prodded .

The bottom line?

* Your tumour was a BIG none
* It healed funny and left a lot of tissue behind.
* It's all so nice and soft.
* We think the Cancer is gone...NO GUARANTEE THOUGH!
* We certainly don't want to complicate your life by an invasive biopsy or surgery.
* We will keep a close eye on this for a while.
*Go and have a great Christmas!
* See you in two weeks.

The battle with Cancer never ends. I know the stress of visiting doctors with loved ones,and how anxiety rises when the appointment draws near . I know that every change,every ache and pain will be suspect. I know that Cancer may present itself again,and at any time....but that is true for all of us.

I am very thankful.
I am Humbled by all the love and Care I received,
I have been Changed once again by a cold earthly reality that invaded my life.
I have been changed in ways I don't even know yet!

I know that our new "Normal" is going to be very different.
It's a bit scary,but I think ....far more exciting. I am going to continue to heal - I will see the doctors regularly and I will live the gift of life to the fullest.
I will serve my Church and My Risen Lord.

Thank you for all the love.
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, will keep your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

This blog entry dedicated to my Friend Jim Burry, who went to join the Lord yesterday as I was travelling to St. John's.
Peace my Brother.

Meditating, Reflecting and Waiting Entry 41

It's interesting just how many people look at me and say "You look Great".


At first it seemed to me that was a good a way to start a conversation with a Cancer patient as any, but after a time I began to wonder if that wasn't just a way people could mention my illness and then comfortably move on to another topic.


In discussion with other cancer patients,I see that is very true.


I understand and accept that. And I don't mind ...I love people.
In my ministry I try to readily accept people where they are,engage them where they need me,and walk alongside on their pathway. [even into the Valley of Shadows].
That is the hallmark of a good pastor or counsellor.
I try.
God knows I'm not perfect......I know it too!
Not perfect - but I try!

The last two weeks have been "strange".
I didn't think I would be too stressed about waiting a little longer to find out where I am in this battle...yeah. Right.

We came home two weeks ago and started planning our open house.
I was able to have a movie night with some of our families,and even get to Church on Sunday.

All of these things went well,and
I have been able to push the "What if,What if,
What if... mentality to the edges of my daily thinking. Karen has been doing the same.

Until this morning.
I woke up with a slight temperature, headache,fatigue,and unsettled stomach. You name it I am feeling it. What is this ? 99/44/100% stress? Maybe. Oh yes... it hurts when I pee. Again. I am going to set a new record for repetitive bladder infections !

I came up from downstairs and plopped my self on the couch. Karen opened the windows to help me cool off,then headed out to pick up another prescription.
Completely miserable,I waited to see how I would make out.

But this morning stank big time.
Today is the day I head back to see the doctor and continue the process of finding out what to expect.
The stink and sadness of this morning began to fade when I began to count my blessings.
Some amazing Grace in the Valley.....

Karen's concern and gentleness when she realised I was having a bad morning.
Bishop David and Brian dropped in,not knowing that I was having a rough start today.
I so value their friendship. They left...I became emotional.
Ralph called...I cried a little again.
Joanie dropped by for a coffee. Thank You Lord. Not only the best nurse and caregiver I have ever had,but a dear friend,confidant and security blanket.

I am thankful for those who draw near,smile-or cry honestly with me.
It is a beautiful thing when people realize all they need do is give me that gentle hug,a caring message and be present with simple, encouraging, words.


Honestly, there are a few things bothering me these days, and because I promised to be honest and open about this journey I`ll open the book for you again.

Here goes: If the long term goes bad....I am concerned about a (possible)

1. Loss of ministry

2. Loss of my voice . After Sunday when I preached,everyone was very encouraging and positive. But I was struggling to speak and stand.By the time I got back to the rectory I was very sad,because the full impact of the struggle just ahead struck me with full force.
I love the Church and my Ministry in it. It is my pearl of great Price.

3. Looming possibility of surgery

4. Wondering how to make ends meet if my ministry is cut short.

5. Wondering how Long I am going to live.

There you go. These are the practical and daily questions that haunt people when they are not well. They have been mine.

I am trusting that God's spirit will uphold me and my family in all of this. It's all we have!

After the MRI Entry 40

Monday December 6 and

Tuesday December 7 have Come and Gone.

These were two important dates for us.

Monday was MRI day at the Janeway,and Tuesday we would meet with Dr. Saytha to review the results.

I am getting well used to MRI's now.

I have had two scans at the Janeway,and one at the Health Science Center,and in all cases the staff have been really friendly and helpful.
Monday was a good day - a pleasant drive from Gander with my darling Karen. I was even admitted early. The rest of the day was for our Grandkids!

I can't say we were worried about the results,but both of us were a bit restless through the night.


On Tuesday we went to the Cancer Clinic to meet with our doctor and ENT specialist.

On arrival we followed our normal routine: Find a parking spot,put lots of money in the meter,head inside,register,then wait for two hours to see the doctor.
We joked about the waiting time with some other folks sitting by us.


Behind the reception desk we caught a glimpse of our doctor. It looked like he was reviewing something. When Dr. Smith joined him, I said to Karen: "Looks like everyone is on deck today."

Dr. Saytha glanced our way,then headed off down the hallway.

I was surprised when we were called reatively early. The nurse that greeted us was really friendly,asking simple questions and putting her arm around my shoulder.



In the exam room Dr. Saytha greeted us. He is a warm and caring fellow,who has proven to be very careful and thorough with his diagnosis and treatment. He seemed to be ill at ease,first asking how I have been feeeling,then telling me that he needed to take a good look,because my MRI had shown something serious. He said that he was going to ask Dr. Burrage to come in and have a look.

WHAT?

We certainly weren't expecting this!

Karen and I exchanged glances,as both our hearts began to sink.

Things happened very quickly.

In came Dr. Burrage

In came another ENT Surgeon (a new one to me)

In came two med Students

The nurse was there too,and our doctor. Within a few moments Dr. Smith joined us as well.

(I could write a song about this gathering)



Without a lot of discussion each of the doctors probed my mouth and throat with fingers and huge Popsicle sticks,all the time talking to each other and using all the Greek and Latin words that doctors love to share when they get together.

Things are really just starting to sink in when Karen calls "Hold on!" "Tell us what is really going on..."

So they do.

Apparently, they were gathering to tell me that the news wasn't good and that I needed immediate surgery because the treatments did not do the job.



BUT



They all agreed that what they were feeling inside my throat was soft,pliable tissue. Not at all like a tumour. Tumours tend to be hard,and rubbery.
That meant they were not sure what was going on.

They said so. It may be soft tissue - maybe dead tissue left over from the war we had just waged.

MIGHT or MIGHT NOT be a tumour.



It seemed logical to all hands to wait a little longer to see if the mass will change.



The final decision : I will return to St. John's in two weeks,and if the surgeon is not happy with what he sees,he will do a biopsy so we can discover if cancer still abides in me.



Merry Christmas!



Are we okay?

Well,.....at first surprised,worried upset. As time passed we put things in perspective.



What happened is really good news. The doctors are still looking for what is going on...not telling me that surgery is my next option.

I live in hope,and pray that you do too!

Advent 2010... Still Waiting #39

It's November 30th 2010.....
Karen is busy with our Advent and Christmas preparations,making sure that all is done for the children and grand children - and also planning our Open House.
I am doing my best to get reconnected with the parish,and doing the best I can to help out.

To be honest, it's not easy. I am still struggling to eat,still living with pain when I do,and every now and then I go somewhere to be alone and ask God to help me get better...quicker..... before people lose patience with me. (being honest about human nature,we all know that's a fact of life!) These are difficult moments.
As well,lately some friends of mine have been diagnosed with cancer. Their prognosis as I understand it at the present, means they have a huge battle looming.I ask God to strengthen and prepare them for the days ahead.
You know, we often hear people say something like "When I see how bad others have it,I don't think about myself as much."
My response to that is "it's a poor comfort taken by other people's misery."
It is a good thing to acknowledge your own pain,and to honestly care for those who suffer.

So here I am....not wanting to repeat my self..... but the story remains the same!
I am still recovering...still waiting. It's exhausting, debilitating, depressing. After a while you forget what it feels like to not feel sick.... After a while you get sick and tired,of being sick and tired!

The Blessings that come from a CurseI am , and will always be thankful for the love and support I have received.
I am thankful for the gifts of new perspectives,new understandings, and new friendships that have emerged as a tremendous blessing because of my cancer.

Many friends have reaffirmed their love for me in wonderful ways,and others have stayed away. All around me my friends and loved ones are all going on with their lives: new jobs, new relationships, new plans. I think it is wonderful!...But in the dark hours of the night, God help me,sometimes it can all feel so lonely.

I am trying to re-engage the challenge of recovery. My care-givers were right when they told me that I would take a long time to get better. Accepting that has been difficult. My feelings of thankfulness of the patience and support of my parish ,Reverend Brian, and my immediate family are often mingled with guilt,because of the time it is taking to get better. However,when I remember how my body was placed in an electronic and chemical abyss and forced to the point where it couldn't take anymore,it helps put things in perspective once again.

During my reading and study this month I re- read the story of the "Stockdale Paradox".
It comes from the story of Admiral James Stockdale, (1923 - 2005) who became a winner of the American Medal of Honour. James Stockdale survived for 7 years in a Viet Cong prisoner of war camp. It was beyond rough. Because of Stockdale's rank,his captors wanted to make an example of him. He was in solitary confinement for four years, had to wear leg irons for two years straight. He was systematically tortured 15 times, starved, and denied health and dental care.
By hanging on to two contradictory beliefs he made it through. Here they are:
1. His life couldn't’t be worse at the moment,
2. and.. His life would someday be better than ever

I believe that receiving the fullness of God's blessings means we must be able to confront the hard and cold facts of our current situations, and at the same time maintain absolute faith that in partnership with our Lord,whatever the outcome...we will prevail in the end.

I often pray for Grace and strength to embrace both faith and facts "at the same time, all the time". I pray this not only for myself, and for all whom the Lord allows me to meet and share. That means you who are reading this.

Ephesians 1:17-19
I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you....

Cancer has helped me focus on something else about life.

Life,as sweet as it is, is hard and daunting work. It takes courage order to live life fully and we need it. We need the courage of people who push themselves to become doctors and nurses for the care and benefit of others. We need the courage of Clergy and committed pastoral workers who walk in love and truth for the sake of others, and ,we bless the courage of those keeping lonely vigils at the bedsides of loved ones.

May God grant the full power of Grace and faith to those who suffer,so that the courage of the ill fighting with everything they have,will not just cheat death,but allow them to live life to the fullest.

Cancer comes upon us as a thief in the night...but remember
John 10:10
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

Latest News - The appointments have been made!
I am still waiting for the results of my treatments.
On December 6 I will be having an MRI , and on December 7,an appointment with my Radiation Oncologist. Talk to you then!
Peace and Love Always

Those Who Wait Upon The Lord Shall Renew Their Strength #38

I started this blog a few nights ago in the Wee hours of the morning. (3:15 a.m. or thereabouts.)
I have been feeling restlessness since my treatments finished. A little over a month has passed since finishing my treatments, and this restive feeling seems to be evolving. The whole journey of cancer including treatments side effects, and the people I have met has touched me, not just body and mind, but in my soul and heart as well. For that reason, I can say that my restlessness is not all negative, but made up of varieties of fear/hope, - peace/agitation,- tranquility/impatience...get the picture?
I really wonder what it is that God is preparing me for in the future!

My blog has been silent since 28 October, and some are asking when they can expect the next one. Many are also asking about the prognosis....
Let’s get caught up.

First of all, let me share some of what has been in my heart.
Over the years of ministry I have spent a lot of time with people who have received the diagnosis of cancer. When the diagnosis comes, ministers may become involved with the ill person, and their families and friends. I have had much experience with cancer and can say that no two cases or stories are the same.
Similarities? ......Yes absolutely – but every story is unique and belongs “to the one”.

Believe me I have learned so much more these past months about the physical, emotional, spiritual, financial, and logistical effects that cancer has on life. I pray that my experience will make me a better pastor in the future.

Is all cancer as bad as yours?
Recently I have had discussions with people who have heard my story, or who have had cancer themselves. Often this question (or something similar) has arisen. Is all cancer and the treatments as bad as what you are going through?
I can answer: “Thank God, no! Not everyone goes through what I have experienced.” That’s true. Yet, some have it much worse. Some of the people I have met and befriended since I began my treatments in June have died. Thank God, some are doing quite well.
Off the top of my head, I recall some of the stories I have shared with people in the waiting rooms.
(You feel safe there to ask the question: “What type of cancer do you have?” )
I Have Cancer by the ankle. I Have brain cancer. I have ovarian cancer, it has spread. I have prostate cancer. I have cancer in the leg. I have lung Cancer. I have a secondary Cancer that has come back after twelve years. I have leukemia. My treatments are not working......

Some people are very calm. Some are angry. Some are incredibly sad. Some are in denial. Some don’t have any idea how bad things are, but their children or spouse does.
As I have said: “Every story is unique and belongs “to the one”.

The Holy Spirit speaks that way about every person’s journey of life: Again; “Every story is unique and belongs “to the one”. We are invited to share our lives in partnership with God.
Through the eyes of faith we can hear Jesus: “Take my hand, and you will be upheld in all things.”

How I am doing?
Thanks for asking!
I am living very much with the effects of my loss of appetite and reduced diet.
When you under eat your body will use up any excess fat. If the nourishment is not available after that, your body will begin to protect the vital organs by drawing on muscle tissue. In essence, body repair is compromised and muscle begins to disappear. That is what happened to me. As a result, I am still under 140 pounds, and find my legs and arms to be very weak. Dizziness is my constant companion, as is tiredness. I am also prone to being a bit emotional at times. Now that’s not strange for me. I once said to someone: “If I go to the post office with you, and you don’t get any mail, I’ll cry for you!”

I receive my emotions as a gift from God. I don’t consider empathy or sympathy to be signs of weakness. God has through his healing, shown me (and all of us) how to truly love one another. That’s not always easy to do, and it can be rather painful sometimes when people act the way humans are prone to do...

My physical recovery from the treatments is slower than I expected, and I now understand what the oncologists were saying. They have taught me about the need to be patient in relation to the results and persistent with trying to swallow and taking in enough liquid and nutrients.

BUT...every day I am getting a little better, a little stronger...a little closer to the goal. Every day I count my blessings.

Blessings?
In 1987 Johnson Oatman wrote a song called “Count Your Blessings” for a group of young people. You have heard it, I am sure.
When upon life’s billows you are tempest tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

There are many blessings in my life – Let me name just a few:
+ The wonderful people I have met since I have developed cancer that I would never know otherwise.
+ New friendships that will last forever.
+ The Father’s teaching in my life, and a spiritual growth that is different than anything I have ever known.
+ Living through, and experiencing the unconditional love, of faith and commitment of my marriage
+ The faithfulness, friendship and love of the Church which lifted me up and carried me when all my strength was gone.
+ The affirmation of the years of friendship. We have been blessed by so many who have gotten in touch and reached out to help in some way.

What will the future hold in relation to your cancer?
My friends, I will soon be able to share my prognosis with you.
For now, we patiently wait for a M.R.I and an appointment with my doctor.
We expect this to happen before Christmas.
In the meantime, let me leave you with the thought I shared with my family just after we found out I had cancer.
“Listen girls, If the treatments work, I’ll be alright....If they don’t, because of Jesus, I am still going to be alright.”
Into your hands O Lord, I commend my Spirit.